A Note from Rach

The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had enough time. I’ll be wearing white when I come into Your Kingdom.

The last five months have been such a roller-coaster of emotions and the toughest of my life. I have been challenged in so many ways since my diagnosis and have had to put my priorities into perspective. I realize I had been taking so much for granted and come to appreciate so many things and people in my life. I’ve had an incredible army of support rallying behind and holding me up when I couldn’t stand on my own, I mean this literally. I’ve cried countless times and reached a very dark place where I couldn’t help but think about my impending death and the incalculable time I have left on this earth. But what truly drew out the most vulnerable tears was to think about what my death would mean to my family- to my mother. Sometimes I am so scared but keep a smile on my face so as not to appear weak. If I at least pretend to be strong, maybe those around me will too and I can continue to lean on them.  Sometimes I close my eyes and count to three. I’ll do this over and over but it’s never a bad dream that I am just waking up from. The truth is, this is all very real. I have a rare, stage four kidney cancer and a broken back as a result of the metastasis. I know enough about my odds of beating this disease to be realistic and prepare myself mentally for either outcome.  At the same time, I am comforted by the fact that I know Jesus as my Savior and I know exactly where I am going when it is my time.  I may be suffering now and not completely understand why God has let cancer wreak havoc on my body and mind, but He has not let it touch my spirit and I believe with all of my heart that He is using my experience to further His Kingdom. Don’t get me wrong, I am fighting with every fiber of my being and praying for God’s strength, but if it is my time, I will bow out graciously, still praising His name. Whether he sees me through this disease or welcomes me into Heaven, I can only hope that a few will come to know Christ through my story.

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 9:11

I don’t blame God for my cancer.  He is giving me the swift kick in the pants that I needed to come back to Him. I wandered around lost for too many years, time I could have spent in worship and bringing those I hold dear to Jesus. It didn’t take me long after my diagnosis to figure out how He was working in my life and I am so glad He brought me back; I can’t imagine going through this without Him. I have put full trust in His perfect plan for my life and He will not let my or my family’s suffering be in vain. To God be all the glory!